Lately I’ve been meaning to create a better situation for myself but I lose direction setting goals that never hold my attention. I hate monotony but my lifestyle as of late seems to outweigh my dissatisfaction with routine. Change would rid my troubled mind of the dispondancy which plagues me like a fucking ache in my spine that shows up at the worst possible moments. But how to escape the rut created by the wheels of my forefathers? Addiction runs prevalent in my family line, increasing in power every generation, serpentine, disguising itself as a friend, or in better words, a demon to lean on.
The thrill of a life in which my view is constantly altered is in competition with the frequent bouts of self hate and disappointment at what has become of the so called life I can’t seem to stop living.
The only regret I have now is not leaving first but the past is the past and at least we’re both out of each others hair that’s what matters the most right? Enjoy yourself
This is for you.
As the effort to let the memories stop remains impossible, I step away for a view of myself not personal. From the outside it seems I fell for a liar, a thief. The closure I need is never complete. I crawl on my knees toward the light which gleams from the end of the labyrinth that I find myself trapped in. I saw you as a guide to lead me through places darkened. But when I lost sight and reached out to take hold of my anchor, I noticed you had already slipped away as silent as the grave. My perception was off but I don’t know for how long, because I awoke with you gone. The warning signs were clear but my vision was blurred, and I led myself to the slaughter with no intentions of turning away. The fire of our youth quickly burning. It was just a matter of time before the wind blew the ashes away. Here’s to us and our attempted accomplishments. Here’s to me believing in something that could not exist. A fraud prolonged for three long years, I now believe you when you say that it was all bound to turn to shit anyway. Here’s to the past, and keeping it there. Lock it away. Burn the evidence. Nothing needs to be said of this. I cannot lie and say I have moved on to better things. But I can say this, I am no longer mourning, I embrace the future with whomever it is that joins me. And if it is no one, I will take this journey alone. I hope you find what you are looking for, and I hope I can cease to pursue people who are completely different than me. An egg has no business dancing with a stone.
